Brain Drain

I’m tired of life.

Life is tired of me.

I’m sick and tired.

I just want to be happy.

I just want to feel alive.

I just want to be pretty.

Why do I have to be like this?

What is wrong with me?

I need an adventure.

I need rest.

I need heated passion.

I need to be alone.

Thank goodness it’s almost time to go to sleep.

I don’t want to go to sleep tonight, because then it will be morning.

I’m exhausted.

I’m fat.

I’m bored.

I need…

I need…

Something.

What a cliché I am.  What an awful waste of human life.  I sit in my bed for the umpteenth time over the past year with a headache which is probably caused by the terrible food I eat and my lack of real, regular exercise.  Not to mention my lack of sleep.  And not because I can’t sleep, no; because I don’t want to.  I don’t want to sleep, no matter how exhausted I am.  I want the day to be over before it has begun.  I’m lonely.  I fantasize about being really, truly alone.  I eat because it feels good, because I hate myself, because there’s not a thing more exciting going on in my life than what I’m putting in my stomach.  I want life to slow down.  I want my days to speed up.  I need time.  I want to disappear…  I want to disappear.

How did I get here anyway?  How did I get to this place of Nothingness.  Not that my life has every truly been a thing of Somethingness.  I’ve always felt I was on the precipice of some unspecified thing truly spectacular.  If I could just get over the next hurtle, just lose a few pounds, just go to school, just earn more money, just get the right wardrobe, just take a vacation, just start practicing yoga.  Those things never happen.  That precipice always turns out to be just another stupid, empty field.  A field of Nothingness.  It’s partly self-inflicted- I know this.  I choose to stay out of shape.  I choose to be lazier than I should be.  I choose to let the laundry turn into a mountain, a fortress of solitude that I hide behind while I watch some more TV.  I choose to let my kids entertain themselves while I try desperately to check out of living without the advantage of drugs or booze or suicide.  I’ve tried medications… they’re garbage.  I might as well be taking a baby aspirin for all their worth to me.  Something inside me is broken.  Something inside me is missing.  There’s a wall I can’t reach past, a gap I can’t close, a Nothingness that I cannot fill.  I either feel everything or nothing, there is no in-between.  So it’s easier to choose Nothing.  Until I realize that there’s Nothing inside of Nothing.  Nothing is empty, Nothing is hollow.  Nothing doesn’t have anything to offer.  I need Something.  Something to fill the Nothing.  Something to make the Nothing feel like it never existed. 

I’ve tried to find Somethings before.  They often work, filling up the empty spaces quite nicely for a very short amount of time.  Then I lose them.  They fly away.  I drop them along the path when I see a big, fat, shiny Nothing sitting by the side of the road just begging to be filled.  And I think, “I can fill that Nothing.  I’ll fill it with me!  Let me climb inside of it, it looks so cozy in there”.  But the problem with Nothings is they cannot be filled so instead they start to fill me until I’m like a Russian doll who has lost its innards.  I’m a shell.  A shell filled with Nothing.

And I look out from my cave of Nothings at all the Somethings and I long to ingest them, to fill myself up until I’m bursting at the seams.  I know that happiness lies in a lot of those Somethings.  I just know it.  But there are a lot of Somethings out there and I become filled with worry that I’ll choose the wrong ones, or that if I fill myself with Somethings that I’ll never have time for a little bit of Nothing.  And Nothing is familiar, Nothing is comfortable.  Sometimes I need Nothing.  So I think, “Tomorrow, when I’m truly sick of this Nothingess I’ll get out and start a Something.  Tomorrow it will be easier.  Tomorrow I’ll be a different person”.  I’ll go to sleep with visions of Somethings dancing in my head only to wake up and realize that Tomorrow turned into Today and it looks so much different as Today than it did when it was Tomorrow. Now it looks just like Yesterday did.  I have no more power over Today than I did over Yesterday.  I have plenty of power over Tomorrow, though.  Tomorrow is mine for the taking.  I’ll take it Tomorrow.  I’ll start Something… Tomorrow.  Deep down I know that Today is just Tomorrow without it’s make-up on, that Tomorrow was the dream and Today is the reality, but a part of me continues to delude myself into thinking maybe Tomorrow will really be Tomorrow… maybe Tomorrow will be the one.

Nothingness can really trick your mind into seeing things that aren’t there.  Like when I’m in the middle of Something and I think, “I could really go for lying in my bed watching a movie right now… that sounds fabulous”.  The thought of the Nothingness of disappearing into a fictitious story is so appealing that it makes the Something I’m doing seem tedious, grueling, irritating, burdensome, boring.  It can turn my Something into feeling like Nothing and turn Nothing into feeling like Something, and that’s a dangerous place to be at.  It’s like eating only honey for the rest of your life.  It tastes good, and you might be able to fill up your stomach with it if you ate enough of it.  But you would never be satisfied because you’d be starving yourself.  Your body needs more than just honey.  Honey mixed in with other foods from time to time is great and a welcome reprieve from the more salty or bitter foods out there.  But it’s not anything you can live off of.  It’s an occasional garnish, not a meal.  An accent for the palate, not the theme.  Its empty sweetness leaves you with a less-than-sweet feeling of just that… emptiness.  

I like to create a world inside my mind where I don’t exist.  Where life carries on without me.  My husband finds a wife that supports him in his dreams, that pushes him to find his Something.  My children have a mother that chases them around the yard and reads them books.  Who never yells or treats them with sarcasm.  She is beautiful and healthy and talented and patient.  My husband wraps his arms around her thin waste, kisses her on the hair, and says, “I cannot imagine my life without you”.  This woman is not me.  It’s never me.  It’s who he finds once I’m gone.  The person he was probably meant to be with in the first place before I tricked him into believing that I was right for him, or made him feel like he owed it to me to be with me for forever.  

I think of this and then I wonder, “How long do I have left on this bus ride, anyway?”  

Life suddenly seems so long, filled with infinite Tomorrows who refuse to stop turning into Todays.  I can’t handle Todays.  Todays are overflowing with obligations and rules and Somethings that feel like Nothings.  I long to breathe in the ocean air, feel the mist of the jungle on my skin, the heat of the desert sun in my hair, the chill of the cool night air mixed with the glow of a camp fire.  I long to climb mountains and swim with dolphins and walk through red, dusty canyons.  I long to meditate in the trees.  I yearn for these simple Somethings that I can empty myself into and fill back up with their entities.  I want these places to transform me into the person I feel like I can be when I’m certain I’m standing at that precipice of greatness.  I know I could be Something if I could just shake this Nothing!  

Money.  We have a love/hate relationship.  I really don’t like it; I wish I didn’t need it.  But, boy, wouldn’t it be great to not have to worry about it at all?  I think of that show where the plane crashed on a deserted island and they created a new community that was based on a system of everyone pitching in and doing their part.  There was no need for money.  Everyone had a skill to contribute.  Everyone worked in their little sphere of influence without worry that the bank would take their house away or that they would run out of gas and not be able to fill the tank until the next paycheck came in.  Sure they had anarchy and disease and people-eating monsters of gargantuan size.  Is it sad that that seems like a fair trade-off to me?  That I would take the risk of dying in the jungle with an infection over worrying how I’m going to pay for my son’s next pair of sneakers?  Maybe it’s just because I’ve never been in the jungle dying of an infection.  This is why I need to get out there and experience more.  Maybe then I’ll finally be grateful for what I have.  Maybe I’ll be grateful for the car that I don’t have the money to put gas in or the son that I can’t afford to clothe properly.  

I feel such a wretch.  An awful wretch for wanting so desperately to escape from what I have.  There are people that would do almost anything for what I have and here I am wanting to leave it all behind and start fresh.  I long to go somewhere where absolutely nobody knows me and I can be whatever I want.  Somewhere where I’ll never have to drive another car and I can walk or bike ride everywhere I go.  Where I can plant the fruits and vegetables that I need to eat and live off of only that.  Where I never hurt anybody because I never get close enough to them to disappoint them.  Where I can read books and travel and interact with others when I need to.  Where I can experience other cultures and climates and smells in the air and learn about them and grow from them.  

I’m tired of feeling trapped.  I’m tired of being stagnant.

Does everyone else feel like this?  All the time?  Does everyone else feel this restless?

My muscles ache to be used.  When I finally get out and use them they cry with relief, “Thank goodness, we’ve been waiting!”  I feel breathless and sweaty and that feeling is heady and calming.  I wish I could have that all the time.  But not because I was running up and down the basement stairs doing the laundry or pushing a heavy cart of food through a grocery store or mopping the kitchen floor.  I wish I could feel adventure and excitement!  I want something new and challenging that doesn’t involve my mother losing another memory to dementia or my child throwing another fit or my only jeans splitting in the seat when there’s no money to replace them.  These are not my ideas of adventures.  I want sun and mist and sweat and wind and ocean-spray and scraped knees. 

If I could have these things I would have no use for scrapbooks or clothes drying racks or vacuum cleaners or bookshelves or cars or pots and pans.  I would live in a tiny house with a little vegetable garden and a piano and when I wasn’t at home I would live out of a backpack.  I would never wear makeup.  My hair would have natural highlights from the sun.  My skin would glow and my muscles would be firm and lean.  I would never watch another moment of TV.  I would shower with rainwater and live off of minimal solar power.  I would not have any possessions that I couldn’t just walk away from if I needed or wanted to.  I would be free with no strings, no attachments, no chains.  Free.

Boy, do I want to be that person.  What I wouldn’t give to live that life.  I’d take my husband and children with me if they promised to live my way and never look back.  I want them with me.  If I had never had them in my life, if I have never known them, I don’t know what life would have been like.  But since I’ve had them for so long I can’t go back to how it was before them.  I don’t even know what that life was.  I want them.  I need them.  There’s not much else in my life I’m truly attached to.  I just want to change the life we live together.  I want something different… for all of us.  

Trapped.  Ensnared by this invisible force keeping me put.  Ah, how I want to break free!!  The thought brings tears to my eyes.  I was meant for a more simple time than this.  I was meant for a time before cars and electricity and gadgets.  I was meant for a time of quill and ink, of traveling by horse, of reading by candlelight.  I was not meant for the noisy generation I was brought into.  It’s exhausting.  It drains the very life out of me.  I can’t stand it.  I should probably be grateful to live in a time with antibiotics and 24 hour grocery stores and washing machines and the internet.  I guess I am, in a way, but I wish I’d never known these things.  I wish I’d never come to rely upon them.  There’s too much going on, too much to think about, look at, read, take care of.  Life goes so fast and everyone is expected to try to keep up and I don’t want to!  I want to live at my own damn pace!  I’m exhausted… heart and soul, I’m exhausted.

Does anyone else feel this way?  I can’t possibly be the only one.

 

The next 30 days...

There is a mixed school of thought when it comes to sharing your goals with others as to whether it helps or hinders your progress. In my experience, it only makes me feel that much worse if I slip up after I've made some grand announcement. However, I do feel better when it is written somewhere semi-permanent. So that's what I'm doing... I'm writing it down.

My best friend's wedding is in 80 days and I'm so super excited for her! You know what I'm not excited for? Having to try to find a dress that I look semi decent in that does not make me feel like some sea monster. I work much better under the pressure of a deadline, so I'm giving myself 80 days. I'm not going to tell you how much I currently weigh or how much I hope to weigh. While weight does play a huge factor in this, I am also mostly concerned with changing my body composition- losing the bloat, reducing the rolls, toning up the muscles, clearing up the skin. I want to be healthy again and feel comfy in my own body and enough is enough. The stress of my life over the last year has packed quite a bit of weight onto my short frame, and it's time it comes off.

My husband's cousin went raw vegan a while back. Not only has she lost weight, she glows! And she's so happy and healthy. I've been feeling the pull towards Veganism got a while now, between the cruelty of farming and the inability to trust animal product sources. It's time to bite the bullet and do it. And with PCOS, it really makes more sense to start away from animal products (and soy) for optimal health.

SO, with that being said, tomorrow I'm starting off the first 30 days. I'm breaking the 80 days up into smaller, more manageable pieces, and keeping track of progress. On top of going mostly raw Vegan for the next 30 days, I'm also making it a goal to have a minimum of 30 minutes of vigorous activity daily and to try to get 10,000 steps a day. Also, to consume a gallon of water a day and to aim for 8 hours of sleep at night.

It's late, and I'm a little tired so that might not have made much sense. But here goes!

The Day My Mother Forgot How to Bake Cookies

I walked into the kitchen and my mom stood by the oven, quietly murmuring about something.  She had volunteered to make two dozen chocolate chip cookies for a fundraiser for our church that night.  I remember, as a child, coming into the kitchen after a long day at school or after playing out in the snow for hours, freezing and tired, to the delicious aroma of my mother’s chocolate chip cookies baking.  This time, however, my mother stood glaring at a cookie sheet with one cookie on it.  One GIANT, flat cookie.  It was supposed to have been twelve.  I had lent her my recipe since she couldn’t find or remember the one she had always used.  It’s fairly basic, easy to follow.  I had not thought to monitor or help my mother as she set off to do what she had been doing for more than 50 years. 

I looked over the recipe, the dough still in the mixing bowl, and the enormous melted confection on the oven and attempted to find the problem and, therefore, the solution.  My mother wrung her hands and jabbed at the blobby mess on the tray as I looked over the ingredients I had left for her on the table and what remained.  I came to realize that she had very likely used twice the amount of butter, possibly omitted one of the sugars, and forgotten the baking soda.  The cookies still tasted good, albeit quite buttery.  I will never forget the look on my mother’s face, drawn and dejected, as she realized she had lost the ability to do what she deemed to be a simple task.  I mean, mothers are supposed to be able to bake chocolate chip cookies, right?  Isn’t that, like, Mothering 101?

The previous autumn, while my father (who has Parkinson’s disease) was in the hospital recovering from a triple bypass, my 75 year old mother finally consented to see a neurologist and confirm her worst fear: she had dementia.  Vascular Dementia, to be exact.  Her simple response to the diagnosis of “Oh, darn” had broken all 5 of her adult children’s hearts.  Although we had wanted to get it diagnosed, it wasn’t any easier to have it confirmed.  She reluctantly agreed as the doctor strongly urged her to surrender her driving privileges.  She sat, looking like a small child, as the doctor explained what this diagnosis meant for the rest of her life.

They started her on medication.  The medication was meant to slow the progress of the disease, not cure it.  Since Vascular Dementia is caused by the shrinking of the blood vessels (causing reduced blood flow to the brain), there is no reversing the damage, only slowing its progression.  Vascular Dementia is also different from other forms of memory degeneration, like Alzheimers, in that instead of it being a gradual decent into the disease, it happens in steps.  Tiny (or large) strokes occur along the way, and memories and abilities are lost in chunks instead of drizzling out gradually.  The fact of the matter was it was only going to get worse, and it could get worse very suddenly.  And there’s no telling when that will be, or if the disease will cause other problems.  There’s just no way to know. 

The day she forgot how to bake chocolate chip cookies was a rough one, for her and for me.  I didn’t tell my siblings about it.    My husband, children, and I had moved in with her and my father about eight months earlier, knowing rough times were coming but not having any idea how quickly they would descend.  She has really good days where It’s almost not perceivable- this disease that’s stealing my mother.  Then there are the not so good days.  The days when she’s angry, hostile, frustrated, emotional, forgetful, easily stressed and flustered.  She’ll struggle to zip her coat, or heat up soup, or spell “exterminate” (ecs…..?).  Some days she can’t remember where she has kept the cups for the last fifty years or what the name of her bank is or even what a bank statement is.  Today she dropped dinner all over the floor, shortly followed up by dropping and breaking a dish in the sink.  She leaned her head on her arms on the counter and just sat, trying not to cry. 

We take a lot of deep breaths these days. 

I wish I could say I’m patient with all these changes as my mother and I struggle with the day-to-day.  I wish I could say that I laugh off the insignificant and smile at her quirks and hug her and make her feel better every time she’s hurting.  I wish I could say that I do better than I do.  While my mother is losing her sense of self, I’m losing my mother and I’m not handling it very well.  It’s an experience for both of us… one that I’ll remember and hopefully learn from… one that she’ll someday forget entirely. 

The important thing I try to remember is this disease is not my Mom.  It may be accentuating her worst traits and weeding out her best, but that doesn’t change who she has always been.  On the roughest days this is hard to remember.  On the rough days it’s hard not to go to bed with my thoughts all knotted up wondering how in the world I’m going to help her get through this… how I’M supposed to get through this.  My Dad has rough days, too.  Parkinson’s disease causes dementia as well.  We live in a forgetful house where things are repeated repeatedly and fully comprehended infrequently.  There are a lot of shortened fuses and rising tempers as we navigate this new depth of life we have sunk into.  We try to be patient.  We try to show love when we can.  We try to bestow forgiveness often.

We take a lot of deep breaths these days.

The Liberation of Holly

Simplicity is liberating.

This winter was a rough one.  Seasonal Affective Disorder is real and so were the last few months.  But Spring has finally hit here in New York and the accompanying sunshine and longer, warmer days is a welcome change from the dreary cold. 

This year I've been trying to bring it down to basics, to the essentials.  Since the last few months have been spent on "Survival mode", this has been necessary.  But gaining a better understanding of and appreciation for who I am has led to some changes, inside and out.  I feel freer than I have in a long time, like a weight has been lifted off my heart and film has washed away from my eyes.  I feel a confidence I've never felt before, which is funny considering I'm heavier than I've ever been and cannot fit into any of my clothes anymore.  The confidence is there nonetheless because it runs much deeper than my skin, down to a place that I'd long since neglected.  I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father who knows me, is aware of my needs, and has a purpose for me for which he has given me skills and talents and abilities in order to achieve. 

Because I now truly believe this about myself, I no longer feel the need to hide who I am or try to change it or cover it up. 

1) I've stopped dying my hair:  Why do we do this, anyway?  For a long time it was more experimental for me.  I enjoyed doing something different.  After a while I felt as though it was a necessity, that there was something wrong with the hair color I had been given.  That the grays that have started to bless my head should be covered up as if they did not exist.  I earned those grays!  They are symbols of the trials I've survived!  And my real hair color was hereditary.  During the summer the sun bleaches it to a nice light brown and it gets streaks of blonde in it naturally.  Why cover all that up? 

2) I've been wearing less make-up: I love mascara.  I love what it does to my green eyes.  I like the occasional eye-shadow and lip gloss, maybe some blush here and there.  Yes, sometimes I have dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep.  But so does my husband and he doesn't smear concealer under them every morning!  And I hate the feeling of heavy make-up on my skin at the end of the day.  I can't wait to wash it off!  And it clogs my pores, causing me to have to wear more make-up to cover it up.  Why do I do this?  Mascara should be enough for most days.  When my daughters asks if she can wear make-up and I say "You don't need any because you're beautiful without it" I'm sending her the message that I don't believe that I am beautiful without make-up.  While it may be partly true, someday she may start thinking that she should feel the same way about herself, and that will be truly a shame.  Sometimes a lot of make-up can be fun, but not everyday.

3) For the first time in my entire life I can honestly say that Yes... I'm overweight, but it doesn't matter.  It truly doesn't matter.  My weight does not define me.  My weight does not decide my worth.  The size jeans I have to wear does not make me a better or worse person.  I'm trying to lose the weight to feel good physically, to keep up with my kids, to avoid having to spend a lot of money on new clothes that actually fit.  But for the first time ever, my weight loss or gain does not define me.  I am who I am regardless of whether I weigh 120 lbs or 320 lbs... the person inside is the same.  Although the former can climb the stairs faster.

Why do we insist on allowing what is on the outside to define who we are or how we feel?  Why do we insist on covering up our "imperfections"... who labeled them imperfections in the first place?  I'm not saying lets all stop shaving our legs, grow a unibrow, and never look in the mirror again.  But lets get to a place where we can love ourselves despite, or maybe even because of, what we see when we look in that mirror.  Lets stop being so harsh on ourselves and each other.  Lets worry more about the shape of our character than the shape of our waistline.  I believe, if we truly do this with real intent, if we can whole-heartedly believe in ourselves, that the rest will take care of itself. 

Simplicity is happiness, and happiness is simple.

Truth and Honesty Time

It's that glorious time of year again.  The time when the holidays are over, the rush-rush of the season is starting to die out, and you can maybe start to catch up on some sleep.



However, this is also the time of the year where it's dark when you wake up and dark by the time you have dinner.  I work in an office with no windows so unless I go out at lunch time I'm guaranteed to not see any direct sunlight until the weekend.  This is the time of year where SAD catches up with me.  Seasonal Affective Disorder is more than "the Winter Blues".  It's more than just a feeling of being tired and cranky.  SAD is a serious issue for many people.  As someone who has suffered from depression for most of my life, I can usually maintain my symptoms with healthy food and exercise throughout the year.  But then Autumn hits, the days get shorter and shorter.  After Halloween time seems to speed up and I'm so caught up in the Holiday season that I get sleep-deprived, generally do not eat as healthy, and I'm too busy to notice what's happening. 



Then New Years comes along.  We party, we eat, we drink sparkling grapejuice, and we nap most of the day.  Then we go back to work.  The days begin to drag.  I get home and have barely enough energy to wash the dishes or play with the kids, much less make a healthy meal or exercise.  So I eat carbs and carbs and carbs, because that's what makes me feel better momentarily.  I gain weight.  My symptoms worsen.  I feel disgusting, worthless, and it takes every ounce of energy throughout my workday to put on a face and get through it all.  But I'm miserable. 



I'm 20 lbs heavier this year than I was at this time last year.  In 2012 I did a Whole 30 over Halloween and Thanksgiving time.  I believe that this might have been key as I set myself up on a better foundation for the rest of the Holiday season.  It was easier to get back into healthy eating after the New Year.  I felt better about myself, I was able to exercise and not die.  I felt empowered and SAD did not hit me as hard as it had in the past. 



Work has been super stressful since last April and I've felt like lately it's been all I can do to just get out of bed in the morning.  Sometimes even speaking feels like it takes too much energy and I relish my ride home from work because I can be silent, or cry, or whatever else it is I need to do before I pick up my kids.  Needless to say, I haven't been much fun. 



I was supposed to start 100 days of clean eating back on the 6th.  It's been 2 week and I have definitely not done that.  However, I HAVE been trying to at least eat healthy foods for my meals, even though my snacking has gotten completely out of control.  I just keep thinking "You're 20 lbs heavier than you were last year at this time... haven't you had enough?!"



I have.  I have had enough.  Enough of feeling this way, enough of looking this way, enough of not being able to fit into 85% of my "fat" clothes.  I'm exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I'm tired of feeling guilty and loathing myself inside and out (tell-tale signs of depression for me).  It's time for change because it's either change or fall deeper into the abyss and, frankly, I'm scared to go there again.



I had made some healthy, organic chicken bone and veggie broth and last night I chopped up some red cabbage and let it stew.  What came of it is a lovely, purple soup with a light, fresh taste.  I have 3 large mason jars full and this will be what I eat for today, plus tons of water.  I need the detox.  I need the hydration.  I need the vitamins and minerals. Plus it doesn't take any real thought, which is something else I need today... easy.



This year is meant to be my year of simplicity.  Part of that is getting to a point where I am eating clean the majority of the time so I don't have to deal with this anymore.  I want to get to a point where I'm maintaining my mood all the time without medication.  Where I don't have to worry about what January and February will be like for me.  I would love to get to a point where I'm not writing about depression anymore, where I'm not worrying about it.  Clean eating, exercise, and light therapy have been the only things that have worked for me in the past.  The problem is the first two are the LAST things you want to do once you've gotten to this place.  And they are the only way out.



So, there it is.  Truth and honesty.  I'm struggling.  I'm sad.  I'm tired.  I'm hurting on the inside, I'm hurting on the outside.  I know exactly what I need, I can help myself.  It's just a matter of doing it. 

Real Food, Wherefore Art Thou Not a Cookie?

Today marks the first day of my 100 Days of Clean Eating for 2014.  Usually on day 1 I am all gung-ho and excited, everything tastes great, and I spend the day wondering "Why can't I eat like this all the time?  This is great!"  Then Day 2 rolls along and that feeling of "How many more days are left?" hits you like a bag of Mrs. Field's cookies.  Although you would gladly take the beating if that was actually the case.  Mmmm... cookie beatings...

Well, I don't know if it's the weather, or the sleep deprivation, or the fact that I've spent the last month gorging myself on worst-of-the-worst foods of the season... or maybe it's a combination of all three.  But today I am not doing so well.  I had my healthy Beef and Spinach Frittata with an apple for breakfast and that filled me up quite nicely.  I drank 32 ounces of water before lunchtime.  I wasn't hungry.  Hunger was not the issue.  I was craving.  Craving bad.  I had intentionally emptied my desk of all temptations last Friday before leaving work knowing there would most likely be a few moments of weakness.  Had there been something in my desk to snack on this morning, I probably would have given into it.  Evil, evil cravings.

So, here I am at my desk enjoying my Rainbow Salad with Tuna Fish on it, not-so-secretly wishing that it was a gigantic cookie or french fries or something similar instead. 

 

Moments like these make me grateful that I keep a blog.  Because going back and reading my goals and ideas that were put down during moments of strength and motivation help me to remember why I'm choosing this salad over a cookie and french fries.  Tonight I will have another healthy meal when I get home, drink some more water, and then go to bed at a good time.  I'm hoping the sleep will help me feel ready to take on my goals, full steam ahead tomorrow.  Today isn't about full-steam, though.  Today is about surviving Day 1 knowing that if I don't, tomorrow's Me will be so disappointed in today's Me.  Tomorrow's Me... this one's for you.

"Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible." -Tony Robbins

Because I needed a chuckle on this gloomy Monday Morning...



 

Here's to focusing on being healthy, not skinny because I don't need that kind of talk in my house!!

Simplicity: January

It's here, 2014!  My year to simplify and focus on my priorities.  So January is probably going to have some more growing pains that other months will as this is the first month of my attempt to weed through all the garbage and find what makes me happy.  I have 5 goals that I'm going to be working on this year (see previous posts if you have no idea what I'm talking about).  The goal is improvement, not perfection. 

Here are my mini-goals to go with each of my major goals for January:

1) Main Goal: Embrace Minimalism:

    My goal for January is to spend 15 minutes a day decluttering my apartment.  The way to properly declutter is this.  Take 3 bags or boxes and label them 1) Keep, 2) Give Away, & 3) Throw Away.  Then you pick one area like a drawer or a closet or a bookshelf.  Don't take apart anything that you can't put back together in 15 minutes.  Then you go through each item, dusting off anything that is going in the Keep or Give Away boxes, and put them in the appropriate boxes.  The rules are: if you don't LOVE it or USE it, get rid of it.  By USE it doesn't mean might use sometime in the future.  Aside from seasonal things, if you haven't used it or even looked at it in the last 6 months, then get rid of it.  It's not adding value to your life, it's adding clutter and clutter has actually been linked to anxiety and depression.  So declutter your space, declutter your mind, simplify your life.  Once the garbage bag/box is full, take it right out to the dumpster.  Don't keep it around any longer than you have to.  Once the Give Away bag/box is full, close it up and put it in the trunk of your car.  Bring it to a donation center the next time you are out.  If there is something that you would like to sell because you think it may have monetary value, take pictures and put it on Craigslist or EBay right away.  But if it doesn't sell in a month, give it away.  STUFF is not worth your happiness. 

2) Main Goal: Quality Time with Family:

    My goal for January is to re-commit myself to a weekly Family Game Night (or Family Home Evening).  Monday nights are our nights to turn off the TV, put away the phone, sit down at the table together for dinner, and then play a game.  It's amazing what this small thing, once a week, can do for the dynamic of a family.  It gives us the opportunity to laugh, talk, and share.  I would like to involve my children in making dinner on these nights.  My son has been asking to be able to do this anyway and it will give us a little extra time, making things together.  Also, I would like to get out on the weekends with my kids and play more.  With winter in full-swing it would be nice to spend more time on the weekends sledding and ice skating, even if it's just playing in the yard.  This will also help me to be more active, going towards another goal of mine.

3) Main Goal: Clean Eating:

    I have done about 4 Whole 30's over the last year or so.  While they've taught me a lot and helped me to gain some new, healthier habits, 30 days just isn't enough for me to break the BAD, unhealthy habits.  My hormones and chemicals are so out of whack that while 30 days gives me a jump-start, it's not enough to really reverse all the damage.  SO, I'm committing myself to 100 Days of Clean Eating, starting January 5th and ending April 14th.  My goal here is to not only reset my body, but also reset my mind and habits.  For anyone who is not familiar with what Whole 30 is, check out this website!  http://whole30.com/new/  It's a great way to start of your New Year on a good foot diet-wise. 

4) Main Goal: More-Active, Less-Electronic:

    My goal for January is two-fold. 
    1) Cancel cable.  We have Netflix, we have Hulu, we rent movies from the Library.  Is there really any reason to keep paying for Cable every month?  What does it bring to our family?  What good comes from being able to mindlessly watch hours of TV that half the time is just on for the heck of it?  So we're getting rid of it.  It will be an adjustment, but it will open up more time for other, more important things.  Speaking of...
   2) Be more active.  Santa brought me this really awesome Pilates DVD for Christmas- exactly what I wanted.  So I'm going to commit to doing this at least 3 times a week this month.  It's not super long, doesn't take any extra money.  However, the benefits reaped from stretching, deep-breathing, and strengthening your core is extremely valuable.  And it's not so strenuous that it will be hard for me to do while my body is detoxing and adapting to my healthier way of eating.  A great way to ease into exercise for the New Year.  Once the month is over I will feel better and be ready to move onto other things, like my CrossFit Boot Camp or Kickboxing Groupons. 

5) Main Goal: Save Money:

    I spent some time this last week and put together my budget for the year.  For anyone who is struggling putting together a budget, look into The Total Money Makeover- it's a great book and has a lot of helpful tips on how to use your money more wisely.  With goals over the next couple of years like paying off loans and saving for a home, I needed to re-evaluate our financial needs and wants.  After putting together a realistic budget, I also put in a place a Debt Snowball.  For anyone who is not familiar with this, basically you take all your debts.  Everything from the $15.00 balance with that book club you signed up for 8 years ago that's still hanging around to your car loan or mortgage.  EVERYTHING.  Then you list out what you still owe on each of them and also what your minimum monthly payments are.  If you have not started making monthly payments on some of them, decide on an amount based on your budget.  Then you take whatever extra money you have (money you were previously spending on, oh I don't know... cable?) and put that money towards paying off the smallest debt.  Once that is paid off you take the extra money from cancelling cable PLUS the monthly payment for the debt you just paid off and add those amounts to the next debt's monthly payment, and so on and so on... creating a "snowball" effect.  Eventually you might be able to double or even triple your payment on your mortgage or car loan.  I have heard of people paying off 30 year mortgages in 5 years or less this way, depending on their financial standing.  So that's what I'm going to do, starting this month. However, because I need security, instead of taking every extra penny I have and putting it towards the debt snowball (I know this is a no-no, but I don't care... it's my money), I will be putting aside 10% of every paycheck into my long-term savings.  This is to save up for a down-payment on our home, which is something we desperately want.

So, there you have it, my goals for January!  It may seem like a lot but actually most of the leg-work has already been done, so now it's just a matter of doing it.  Declutter, spend more time with family, eat clean, cancel cable and do some pilates, and stick to a budget.  It's really not much but it will make a great investment into my future and the future of my family.  Here's to new beginnings and another chance to get it right!

Exactly... It's Science

Becoming Minimalist
11 Resolutions For a Better You—Proven by Science
by JOSHUA BECKER

“Good habits make all the difference.” —Aristotle

It is wise for each of us, from time to time, to stop and evaluate our lives as we seek to make the most of them.

The start of a calendar year provides an opportunity to look back at the decisions that shaped our lives during the past year and gives us an extra push to make adjustments for the next one. Every new January represents a natural opportunity to evaluate the direction of our lives, adjust course if necessary, adopt new habits, or make healthy changes.

With the start of a new year upon us, consider these 11 resolutions for a better you—proven by science. It is, after all, our habits that determine the course of our lives.

1. Exercise. Most of us recognize the benefits of physical exercise: healthy bodies, healthy minds, and healthy confidence. Some studies indicate exercise contributes to a positive body image even prior to any body weight or shape change—with as little as two weeks of regular exercise. And with increasing study centered around the effectiveness of minimalist workouts, each of us should be able to find the time to get started.

2. Less television. Those seeking intentionality realize the negative influence television has on their mind: it impacts our worldview, encourages consumerism, oversimplifies life, and results in less life satisfaction. Even more drastic, scientists are beginning to discover the habit of watching too-much television may be negatively impacting our life expectancy as well. Nobody is telling you to throw your television in the nearest dumpster, but deciding to cut back in the next year may be one of the best decisions you could ever make.

3. Go outside. According to recent studies published in the Journal of Environmental Psychology, simply spending time outside with nature contributes to increased energy, wards off feelings of exhaustion, and results in a heightened sense of well-being. Of course, simply walking from your front door to the car door doesn’t count. So make a point this coming year to find an excuse to be outside—you can always start with a simple walk around the block each evening.

4. Read fiction. Recently, researchers have begun studying the physical impact reading stories has on our brain. As you might expect, they are discovering reading results in heightened connectivity and brain activity—sometimes, even up to 5 days after the book has been completed. If you read fiction, you already know this to be true. If you don’t, this could be your year to start. You may enjoy beginning with The Hunger Games or Divergent.

5. Give. Numerous studies show charitable giving boosts happiness and reduces stress—especially when the generosity promotes positive social connection. If you don’t already, find a cause or person you believe in and offer them consistent monthly support. They will benefit. You will benefit. And the world will be a better place.

6. Serve. Volunteering provides great value for our lives and the lives of those we choose to enrich. One study from the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania, Harvard Business School, and the Yale School of Management found that when a person volunteers his or her time, they begin to feel like they have more time and are more efficient. Additionally, volunteers feel better about themselves, experience lower stress levels, and develop a deeper connection with others. The golden number appears to be 100 hours per year (2 hours/week).

7. Buy less stuff and more experiences. In studies presented at the Society for Personality and Social Psychology, researchers suggest that buying life experiences rather than material possessions leads to greater happiness for both the consumer and those around them. Decide today to spend less money this year on possessions and more money on meaningful, memorable experiences. You’ll be glad you did in more ways than one.

8. Display gratitude. Psychologists have scientifically proven that one of the greatest contributing factors to overall happiness in your life is how much gratitude you show. And it can be experienced with as little as three expressions each day (“Thank you for…”). Getting started is so easy and  beneficial. It could be the easiest decision you make all year.

9. Practice smiling. In a fascinating study conducted at the Michigan State Business School, customer service professionals who fake a smile throughout the day worsen their mood. But people who smile as a result of cultivating positive thoughts improve their mood and withdraw less. Simply put, one easy way to improve your mood throughout the next year is to intentionally recall pleasant memories or think more positively about your current situation—and then smile because of it.

10. Stop and just play. Our world is becoming increasingly busy and the temptation to measure our worth by external factors continues to grow. As a result, taking time to slow down and just play is becoming increasingly rare. But play is fun and enjoyable. Play enriches the lives of children by exercising their mind and body. And it has the same positive effect on adults. So make an extra point to just slow down and play constructively with your friends or kids.

11. Determine to be happy. Two experimental studies published in The Journal of Positive Psychology this past year offer ground-breaking research on the cultivation of happiness. Based on the experiments, participants who listened to “happy” music and actively tried to feel happier reported the highest level of positive mood afterwards—more so than those who simply listened to the music. In other words, determining to be happy is a productive decision towards achieving it.

Adopting 11 new habits at one time is almost certainly too much to ask. But choose one or two specifically. And then, give it 29 days. You’ll be surprised how quickly they become habit.

http://www.becomingminimalist.com/better-resolutions/

2014- The Year of Simplicity

If you read my previous post you know that I have 5 goals I would like to accomplish/improve upon this year.  The great thing about the goals I have chosen is that they roll into each other quite nicely, therefore making it simpler to do everything on my To-Do list... killing 5 birds with one stone. 

My 5 Goals are:

1) Embrace Minimalism
2) Spend More Quality Family Time
3) Eat Clean
4) Life a More-Active, Less-Electronic Lifestyle
5) Save Money

Tonight I sat down and laid out a loose scaffolding to build my goals on.  As I set up bullet-points for ideas I had and mini-goals I created in order to achieve my resolutions, I was realizing how many redundancies there were between my lists.  For instance, "Cancel Cable" showed up on 4 out of 5 lists (all except "Eat Clean"), because by cancelling cable I'm minimizing wasted time, time that could be spent with my family or being active, and by cancelling cable I'm no longer paying for it, therefore saving money.  4 birds... 1 stone.  Yippee!

"Get out into Nature" also showed up several times.  With cancelling the cable, that will free up time that can be spent playing outside with the kids (quality time), focusing on the simpler things (minimalism), or hiking/sledding/walking/running/etc (more-active).  Also, for the most part, enjoying nature doesn't cost a thing! So I'm saving money... done!

The point I'm trying to make is this- find out what really matters to you.  Once you find out where your true priorities lie, I think you will be amazed at how well those priorities play together, even serve each other.  Not only writing down your goals but brainstorming and formulating an achievable game-plan can help you to realize what you really want and where you desire to end up.  I found out that something I really want out of my life is to stop wasting my money on things that do not uplift or enrich me and start instead spending my time on things that do.  I want to get away from the TV and get outside, run around, let the sun bleach my hair and bring out my freckles.  I want to play with my kids and see how far we can make that silly foam airplane fly across the yard.  I want to try new things and go on mini-adventures.  I want to feel like an active participant in my life instead of a passive bystander.  I want to make memories that mean something, that hold value.  I want to clear my head of all the useless quotes and trivia and instead fill it with the sound of my kids laughing and memories of precious moments.  This year I have many goals, but mainly I just want to be the writer of my own life, and not allow my days to be written for me anymore.  I want to proactively invest each day so that at the end of all this I can know that they all went towards something good, that they meant something.  And I want to pass on a creativity and passion for life to my kids so they can feel the same way. 

I'm not expecting to achieve this all in one year- that would be stupid and entirely unrealistic.  This is just a jumping off point, a place to get the ball rolling.  So maybe next year on December 31st I can look back on 2014 and feel like it meant something.  That's all I want.