It's that glorious time of year again. The time when the holidays are over, the rush-rush of the season is starting to die out, and you can maybe start to catch up on some sleep.
However, this is also the time of the year where it's dark when you wake up and dark by the time you have dinner. I work in an office with no windows so unless I go out at lunch time I'm guaranteed to not see any direct sunlight until the weekend. This is the time of year where SAD catches up with me. Seasonal Affective Disorder is more than "the Winter Blues". It's more than just a feeling of being tired and cranky. SAD is a serious issue for many people. As someone who has suffered from depression for most of my life, I can usually maintain my symptoms with healthy food and exercise throughout the year. But then Autumn hits, the days get shorter and shorter. After Halloween time seems to speed up and I'm so caught up in the Holiday season that I get sleep-deprived, generally do not eat as healthy, and I'm too busy to notice what's happening.
Then New Years comes along. We party, we eat, we drink sparkling grapejuice, and we nap most of the day. Then we go back to work. The days begin to drag. I get home and have barely enough energy to wash the dishes or play with the kids, much less make a healthy meal or exercise. So I eat carbs and carbs and carbs, because that's what makes me feel better momentarily. I gain weight. My symptoms worsen. I feel disgusting, worthless, and it takes every ounce of energy throughout my workday to put on a face and get through it all. But I'm miserable.
I'm 20 lbs heavier this year than I was at this time last year. In 2012 I did a Whole 30 over Halloween and Thanksgiving time. I believe that this might have been key as I set myself up on a better foundation for the rest of the Holiday season. It was easier to get back into healthy eating after the New Year. I felt better about myself, I was able to exercise and not die. I felt empowered and SAD did not hit me as hard as it had in the past.
Work has been super stressful since last April and I've felt like lately it's been all I can do to just get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes even speaking feels like it takes too much energy and I relish my ride home from work because I can be silent, or cry, or whatever else it is I need to do before I pick up my kids. Needless to say, I haven't been much fun.
I was supposed to start 100 days of clean eating back on the 6th. It's been 2 week and I have definitely not done that. However, I HAVE been trying to at least eat healthy foods for my meals, even though my snacking has gotten completely out of control. I just keep thinking "You're 20 lbs heavier than you were last year at this time... haven't you had enough?!"
I have. I have had enough. Enough of feeling this way, enough of looking this way, enough of not being able to fit into 85% of my "fat" clothes. I'm exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm tired of feeling guilty and loathing myself inside and out (tell-tale signs of depression for me). It's time for change because it's either change or fall deeper into the abyss and, frankly, I'm scared to go there again.
I had made some healthy, organic chicken bone and veggie broth and last night I chopped up some red cabbage and let it stew. What came of it is a lovely, purple soup with a light, fresh taste. I have 3 large mason jars full and this will be what I eat for today, plus tons of water. I need the detox. I need the hydration. I need the vitamins and minerals. Plus it doesn't take any real thought, which is something else I need today... easy.
This year is meant to be my year of simplicity. Part of that is getting to a point where I am eating clean the majority of the time so I don't have to deal with this anymore. I want to get to a point where I'm maintaining my mood all the time without medication. Where I don't have to worry about what January and February will be like for me. I would love to get to a point where I'm not writing about depression anymore, where I'm not worrying about it. Clean eating, exercise, and light therapy have been the only things that have worked for me in the past. The problem is the first two are the LAST things you want to do once you've gotten to this place. And they are the only way out.
So, there it is. Truth and honesty. I'm struggling. I'm sad. I'm tired. I'm hurting on the inside, I'm hurting on the outside. I know exactly what I need, I can help myself. It's just a matter of doing it.
No comments:
Post a Comment