The Liberation of Holly

Simplicity is liberating.

This winter was a rough one.  Seasonal Affective Disorder is real and so were the last few months.  But Spring has finally hit here in New York and the accompanying sunshine and longer, warmer days is a welcome change from the dreary cold. 

This year I've been trying to bring it down to basics, to the essentials.  Since the last few months have been spent on "Survival mode", this has been necessary.  But gaining a better understanding of and appreciation for who I am has led to some changes, inside and out.  I feel freer than I have in a long time, like a weight has been lifted off my heart and film has washed away from my eyes.  I feel a confidence I've never felt before, which is funny considering I'm heavier than I've ever been and cannot fit into any of my clothes anymore.  The confidence is there nonetheless because it runs much deeper than my skin, down to a place that I'd long since neglected.  I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father who knows me, is aware of my needs, and has a purpose for me for which he has given me skills and talents and abilities in order to achieve. 

Because I now truly believe this about myself, I no longer feel the need to hide who I am or try to change it or cover it up. 

1) I've stopped dying my hair:  Why do we do this, anyway?  For a long time it was more experimental for me.  I enjoyed doing something different.  After a while I felt as though it was a necessity, that there was something wrong with the hair color I had been given.  That the grays that have started to bless my head should be covered up as if they did not exist.  I earned those grays!  They are symbols of the trials I've survived!  And my real hair color was hereditary.  During the summer the sun bleaches it to a nice light brown and it gets streaks of blonde in it naturally.  Why cover all that up? 

2) I've been wearing less make-up: I love mascara.  I love what it does to my green eyes.  I like the occasional eye-shadow and lip gloss, maybe some blush here and there.  Yes, sometimes I have dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep.  But so does my husband and he doesn't smear concealer under them every morning!  And I hate the feeling of heavy make-up on my skin at the end of the day.  I can't wait to wash it off!  And it clogs my pores, causing me to have to wear more make-up to cover it up.  Why do I do this?  Mascara should be enough for most days.  When my daughters asks if she can wear make-up and I say "You don't need any because you're beautiful without it" I'm sending her the message that I don't believe that I am beautiful without make-up.  While it may be partly true, someday she may start thinking that she should feel the same way about herself, and that will be truly a shame.  Sometimes a lot of make-up can be fun, but not everyday.

3) For the first time in my entire life I can honestly say that Yes... I'm overweight, but it doesn't matter.  It truly doesn't matter.  My weight does not define me.  My weight does not decide my worth.  The size jeans I have to wear does not make me a better or worse person.  I'm trying to lose the weight to feel good physically, to keep up with my kids, to avoid having to spend a lot of money on new clothes that actually fit.  But for the first time ever, my weight loss or gain does not define me.  I am who I am regardless of whether I weigh 120 lbs or 320 lbs... the person inside is the same.  Although the former can climb the stairs faster.

Why do we insist on allowing what is on the outside to define who we are or how we feel?  Why do we insist on covering up our "imperfections"... who labeled them imperfections in the first place?  I'm not saying lets all stop shaving our legs, grow a unibrow, and never look in the mirror again.  But lets get to a place where we can love ourselves despite, or maybe even because of, what we see when we look in that mirror.  Lets stop being so harsh on ourselves and each other.  Lets worry more about the shape of our character than the shape of our waistline.  I believe, if we truly do this with real intent, if we can whole-heartedly believe in ourselves, that the rest will take care of itself. 

Simplicity is happiness, and happiness is simple.

Truth and Honesty Time

It's that glorious time of year again.  The time when the holidays are over, the rush-rush of the season is starting to die out, and you can maybe start to catch up on some sleep.



However, this is also the time of the year where it's dark when you wake up and dark by the time you have dinner.  I work in an office with no windows so unless I go out at lunch time I'm guaranteed to not see any direct sunlight until the weekend.  This is the time of year where SAD catches up with me.  Seasonal Affective Disorder is more than "the Winter Blues".  It's more than just a feeling of being tired and cranky.  SAD is a serious issue for many people.  As someone who has suffered from depression for most of my life, I can usually maintain my symptoms with healthy food and exercise throughout the year.  But then Autumn hits, the days get shorter and shorter.  After Halloween time seems to speed up and I'm so caught up in the Holiday season that I get sleep-deprived, generally do not eat as healthy, and I'm too busy to notice what's happening. 



Then New Years comes along.  We party, we eat, we drink sparkling grapejuice, and we nap most of the day.  Then we go back to work.  The days begin to drag.  I get home and have barely enough energy to wash the dishes or play with the kids, much less make a healthy meal or exercise.  So I eat carbs and carbs and carbs, because that's what makes me feel better momentarily.  I gain weight.  My symptoms worsen.  I feel disgusting, worthless, and it takes every ounce of energy throughout my workday to put on a face and get through it all.  But I'm miserable. 



I'm 20 lbs heavier this year than I was at this time last year.  In 2012 I did a Whole 30 over Halloween and Thanksgiving time.  I believe that this might have been key as I set myself up on a better foundation for the rest of the Holiday season.  It was easier to get back into healthy eating after the New Year.  I felt better about myself, I was able to exercise and not die.  I felt empowered and SAD did not hit me as hard as it had in the past. 



Work has been super stressful since last April and I've felt like lately it's been all I can do to just get out of bed in the morning.  Sometimes even speaking feels like it takes too much energy and I relish my ride home from work because I can be silent, or cry, or whatever else it is I need to do before I pick up my kids.  Needless to say, I haven't been much fun. 



I was supposed to start 100 days of clean eating back on the 6th.  It's been 2 week and I have definitely not done that.  However, I HAVE been trying to at least eat healthy foods for my meals, even though my snacking has gotten completely out of control.  I just keep thinking "You're 20 lbs heavier than you were last year at this time... haven't you had enough?!"



I have.  I have had enough.  Enough of feeling this way, enough of looking this way, enough of not being able to fit into 85% of my "fat" clothes.  I'm exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I'm tired of feeling guilty and loathing myself inside and out (tell-tale signs of depression for me).  It's time for change because it's either change or fall deeper into the abyss and, frankly, I'm scared to go there again.



I had made some healthy, organic chicken bone and veggie broth and last night I chopped up some red cabbage and let it stew.  What came of it is a lovely, purple soup with a light, fresh taste.  I have 3 large mason jars full and this will be what I eat for today, plus tons of water.  I need the detox.  I need the hydration.  I need the vitamins and minerals. Plus it doesn't take any real thought, which is something else I need today... easy.



This year is meant to be my year of simplicity.  Part of that is getting to a point where I am eating clean the majority of the time so I don't have to deal with this anymore.  I want to get to a point where I'm maintaining my mood all the time without medication.  Where I don't have to worry about what January and February will be like for me.  I would love to get to a point where I'm not writing about depression anymore, where I'm not worrying about it.  Clean eating, exercise, and light therapy have been the only things that have worked for me in the past.  The problem is the first two are the LAST things you want to do once you've gotten to this place.  And they are the only way out.



So, there it is.  Truth and honesty.  I'm struggling.  I'm sad.  I'm tired.  I'm hurting on the inside, I'm hurting on the outside.  I know exactly what I need, I can help myself.  It's just a matter of doing it. 

Real Food, Wherefore Art Thou Not a Cookie?

Today marks the first day of my 100 Days of Clean Eating for 2014.  Usually on day 1 I am all gung-ho and excited, everything tastes great, and I spend the day wondering "Why can't I eat like this all the time?  This is great!"  Then Day 2 rolls along and that feeling of "How many more days are left?" hits you like a bag of Mrs. Field's cookies.  Although you would gladly take the beating if that was actually the case.  Mmmm... cookie beatings...

Well, I don't know if it's the weather, or the sleep deprivation, or the fact that I've spent the last month gorging myself on worst-of-the-worst foods of the season... or maybe it's a combination of all three.  But today I am not doing so well.  I had my healthy Beef and Spinach Frittata with an apple for breakfast and that filled me up quite nicely.  I drank 32 ounces of water before lunchtime.  I wasn't hungry.  Hunger was not the issue.  I was craving.  Craving bad.  I had intentionally emptied my desk of all temptations last Friday before leaving work knowing there would most likely be a few moments of weakness.  Had there been something in my desk to snack on this morning, I probably would have given into it.  Evil, evil cravings.

So, here I am at my desk enjoying my Rainbow Salad with Tuna Fish on it, not-so-secretly wishing that it was a gigantic cookie or french fries or something similar instead. 

 

Moments like these make me grateful that I keep a blog.  Because going back and reading my goals and ideas that were put down during moments of strength and motivation help me to remember why I'm choosing this salad over a cookie and french fries.  Tonight I will have another healthy meal when I get home, drink some more water, and then go to bed at a good time.  I'm hoping the sleep will help me feel ready to take on my goals, full steam ahead tomorrow.  Today isn't about full-steam, though.  Today is about surviving Day 1 knowing that if I don't, tomorrow's Me will be so disappointed in today's Me.  Tomorrow's Me... this one's for you.

"Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible." -Tony Robbins

Because I needed a chuckle on this gloomy Monday Morning...



 

Here's to focusing on being healthy, not skinny because I don't need that kind of talk in my house!!

Simplicity: January

It's here, 2014!  My year to simplify and focus on my priorities.  So January is probably going to have some more growing pains that other months will as this is the first month of my attempt to weed through all the garbage and find what makes me happy.  I have 5 goals that I'm going to be working on this year (see previous posts if you have no idea what I'm talking about).  The goal is improvement, not perfection. 

Here are my mini-goals to go with each of my major goals for January:

1) Main Goal: Embrace Minimalism:

    My goal for January is to spend 15 minutes a day decluttering my apartment.  The way to properly declutter is this.  Take 3 bags or boxes and label them 1) Keep, 2) Give Away, & 3) Throw Away.  Then you pick one area like a drawer or a closet or a bookshelf.  Don't take apart anything that you can't put back together in 15 minutes.  Then you go through each item, dusting off anything that is going in the Keep or Give Away boxes, and put them in the appropriate boxes.  The rules are: if you don't LOVE it or USE it, get rid of it.  By USE it doesn't mean might use sometime in the future.  Aside from seasonal things, if you haven't used it or even looked at it in the last 6 months, then get rid of it.  It's not adding value to your life, it's adding clutter and clutter has actually been linked to anxiety and depression.  So declutter your space, declutter your mind, simplify your life.  Once the garbage bag/box is full, take it right out to the dumpster.  Don't keep it around any longer than you have to.  Once the Give Away bag/box is full, close it up and put it in the trunk of your car.  Bring it to a donation center the next time you are out.  If there is something that you would like to sell because you think it may have monetary value, take pictures and put it on Craigslist or EBay right away.  But if it doesn't sell in a month, give it away.  STUFF is not worth your happiness. 

2) Main Goal: Quality Time with Family:

    My goal for January is to re-commit myself to a weekly Family Game Night (or Family Home Evening).  Monday nights are our nights to turn off the TV, put away the phone, sit down at the table together for dinner, and then play a game.  It's amazing what this small thing, once a week, can do for the dynamic of a family.  It gives us the opportunity to laugh, talk, and share.  I would like to involve my children in making dinner on these nights.  My son has been asking to be able to do this anyway and it will give us a little extra time, making things together.  Also, I would like to get out on the weekends with my kids and play more.  With winter in full-swing it would be nice to spend more time on the weekends sledding and ice skating, even if it's just playing in the yard.  This will also help me to be more active, going towards another goal of mine.

3) Main Goal: Clean Eating:

    I have done about 4 Whole 30's over the last year or so.  While they've taught me a lot and helped me to gain some new, healthier habits, 30 days just isn't enough for me to break the BAD, unhealthy habits.  My hormones and chemicals are so out of whack that while 30 days gives me a jump-start, it's not enough to really reverse all the damage.  SO, I'm committing myself to 100 Days of Clean Eating, starting January 5th and ending April 14th.  My goal here is to not only reset my body, but also reset my mind and habits.  For anyone who is not familiar with what Whole 30 is, check out this website!  http://whole30.com/new/  It's a great way to start of your New Year on a good foot diet-wise. 

4) Main Goal: More-Active, Less-Electronic:

    My goal for January is two-fold. 
    1) Cancel cable.  We have Netflix, we have Hulu, we rent movies from the Library.  Is there really any reason to keep paying for Cable every month?  What does it bring to our family?  What good comes from being able to mindlessly watch hours of TV that half the time is just on for the heck of it?  So we're getting rid of it.  It will be an adjustment, but it will open up more time for other, more important things.  Speaking of...
   2) Be more active.  Santa brought me this really awesome Pilates DVD for Christmas- exactly what I wanted.  So I'm going to commit to doing this at least 3 times a week this month.  It's not super long, doesn't take any extra money.  However, the benefits reaped from stretching, deep-breathing, and strengthening your core is extremely valuable.  And it's not so strenuous that it will be hard for me to do while my body is detoxing and adapting to my healthier way of eating.  A great way to ease into exercise for the New Year.  Once the month is over I will feel better and be ready to move onto other things, like my CrossFit Boot Camp or Kickboxing Groupons. 

5) Main Goal: Save Money:

    I spent some time this last week and put together my budget for the year.  For anyone who is struggling putting together a budget, look into The Total Money Makeover- it's a great book and has a lot of helpful tips on how to use your money more wisely.  With goals over the next couple of years like paying off loans and saving for a home, I needed to re-evaluate our financial needs and wants.  After putting together a realistic budget, I also put in a place a Debt Snowball.  For anyone who is not familiar with this, basically you take all your debts.  Everything from the $15.00 balance with that book club you signed up for 8 years ago that's still hanging around to your car loan or mortgage.  EVERYTHING.  Then you list out what you still owe on each of them and also what your minimum monthly payments are.  If you have not started making monthly payments on some of them, decide on an amount based on your budget.  Then you take whatever extra money you have (money you were previously spending on, oh I don't know... cable?) and put that money towards paying off the smallest debt.  Once that is paid off you take the extra money from cancelling cable PLUS the monthly payment for the debt you just paid off and add those amounts to the next debt's monthly payment, and so on and so on... creating a "snowball" effect.  Eventually you might be able to double or even triple your payment on your mortgage or car loan.  I have heard of people paying off 30 year mortgages in 5 years or less this way, depending on their financial standing.  So that's what I'm going to do, starting this month. However, because I need security, instead of taking every extra penny I have and putting it towards the debt snowball (I know this is a no-no, but I don't care... it's my money), I will be putting aside 10% of every paycheck into my long-term savings.  This is to save up for a down-payment on our home, which is something we desperately want.

So, there you have it, my goals for January!  It may seem like a lot but actually most of the leg-work has already been done, so now it's just a matter of doing it.  Declutter, spend more time with family, eat clean, cancel cable and do some pilates, and stick to a budget.  It's really not much but it will make a great investment into my future and the future of my family.  Here's to new beginnings and another chance to get it right!

Exactly... It's Science

Becoming Minimalist
11 Resolutions For a Better You—Proven by Science
by JOSHUA BECKER

“Good habits make all the difference.” —Aristotle

It is wise for each of us, from time to time, to stop and evaluate our lives as we seek to make the most of them.

The start of a calendar year provides an opportunity to look back at the decisions that shaped our lives during the past year and gives us an extra push to make adjustments for the next one. Every new January represents a natural opportunity to evaluate the direction of our lives, adjust course if necessary, adopt new habits, or make healthy changes.

With the start of a new year upon us, consider these 11 resolutions for a better you—proven by science. It is, after all, our habits that determine the course of our lives.

1. Exercise. Most of us recognize the benefits of physical exercise: healthy bodies, healthy minds, and healthy confidence. Some studies indicate exercise contributes to a positive body image even prior to any body weight or shape change—with as little as two weeks of regular exercise. And with increasing study centered around the effectiveness of minimalist workouts, each of us should be able to find the time to get started.

2. Less television. Those seeking intentionality realize the negative influence television has on their mind: it impacts our worldview, encourages consumerism, oversimplifies life, and results in less life satisfaction. Even more drastic, scientists are beginning to discover the habit of watching too-much television may be negatively impacting our life expectancy as well. Nobody is telling you to throw your television in the nearest dumpster, but deciding to cut back in the next year may be one of the best decisions you could ever make.

3. Go outside. According to recent studies published in the Journal of Environmental Psychology, simply spending time outside with nature contributes to increased energy, wards off feelings of exhaustion, and results in a heightened sense of well-being. Of course, simply walking from your front door to the car door doesn’t count. So make a point this coming year to find an excuse to be outside—you can always start with a simple walk around the block each evening.

4. Read fiction. Recently, researchers have begun studying the physical impact reading stories has on our brain. As you might expect, they are discovering reading results in heightened connectivity and brain activity—sometimes, even up to 5 days after the book has been completed. If you read fiction, you already know this to be true. If you don’t, this could be your year to start. You may enjoy beginning with The Hunger Games or Divergent.

5. Give. Numerous studies show charitable giving boosts happiness and reduces stress—especially when the generosity promotes positive social connection. If you don’t already, find a cause or person you believe in and offer them consistent monthly support. They will benefit. You will benefit. And the world will be a better place.

6. Serve. Volunteering provides great value for our lives and the lives of those we choose to enrich. One study from the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania, Harvard Business School, and the Yale School of Management found that when a person volunteers his or her time, they begin to feel like they have more time and are more efficient. Additionally, volunteers feel better about themselves, experience lower stress levels, and develop a deeper connection with others. The golden number appears to be 100 hours per year (2 hours/week).

7. Buy less stuff and more experiences. In studies presented at the Society for Personality and Social Psychology, researchers suggest that buying life experiences rather than material possessions leads to greater happiness for both the consumer and those around them. Decide today to spend less money this year on possessions and more money on meaningful, memorable experiences. You’ll be glad you did in more ways than one.

8. Display gratitude. Psychologists have scientifically proven that one of the greatest contributing factors to overall happiness in your life is how much gratitude you show. And it can be experienced with as little as three expressions each day (“Thank you for…”). Getting started is so easy and  beneficial. It could be the easiest decision you make all year.

9. Practice smiling. In a fascinating study conducted at the Michigan State Business School, customer service professionals who fake a smile throughout the day worsen their mood. But people who smile as a result of cultivating positive thoughts improve their mood and withdraw less. Simply put, one easy way to improve your mood throughout the next year is to intentionally recall pleasant memories or think more positively about your current situation—and then smile because of it.

10. Stop and just play. Our world is becoming increasingly busy and the temptation to measure our worth by external factors continues to grow. As a result, taking time to slow down and just play is becoming increasingly rare. But play is fun and enjoyable. Play enriches the lives of children by exercising their mind and body. And it has the same positive effect on adults. So make an extra point to just slow down and play constructively with your friends or kids.

11. Determine to be happy. Two experimental studies published in The Journal of Positive Psychology this past year offer ground-breaking research on the cultivation of happiness. Based on the experiments, participants who listened to “happy” music and actively tried to feel happier reported the highest level of positive mood afterwards—more so than those who simply listened to the music. In other words, determining to be happy is a productive decision towards achieving it.

Adopting 11 new habits at one time is almost certainly too much to ask. But choose one or two specifically. And then, give it 29 days. You’ll be surprised how quickly they become habit.

http://www.becomingminimalist.com/better-resolutions/