I'm sure a lot of people feel this way. I've never really had that thing where you just know what you want to do. Where you have this one interest or passion that drowns out all others, where you feel complete, whole, satisfied just being exposed to it.
I think my main issue has been that I'm interested in too many things! I want to do it all, and since I'm an all or nothing personality, when I can't do it all guess what I do... nothing. I just stand there staring down my possible pathways, paralyzed with the decision of "which way?" Sometimes I start walking down a path just to see what it's like but decide to turn back to the the fork, afraid if I venture too far I'll get lost or lose sight of the other path, which I still kind of want to go down. Unfortunately this indecision forces me to remain stationary. The forward momentum I crave for my life is at a standstill and simply because I don't know which direction to take.
I started this blog last summer to try to gain some forward momentum in a direction I was sure I wanted, and needed, to take. My physical and mental health. While I've covered the basis of exercise and diet, I have also touched on mental health. These are all very clinical and easily tracked and since I started I've lost almost 20 lbs and have gained some healthier habits. But I'm still not balanced. There is a gaping hole in my life and I can't figure out what should fill it.
My current "career" is in the field of medical billing. Not exactly thrilling, but I'm good at it and it brings home some much needed revenue. I fell into it about 6 years ago. Right now I am studying to take a test to become a Certified Medical Reimbursement Specialist (CMRS). It will help me in the current job and look great on my resume for the future. I also am going to start the process of applying to schools soon, most likely for Business Management and accounting. But, again, I am faced with a dilemma: go to school to further my career in the field I am already in (finance) or go to school for something I love that may not be all that lucrative, especially at the beginning. The practical part of me says if I'm going to spend all the time and money in school it better be for something that will bring home more money in the end than I'm bringing home now. The practical part of me knows that what I need is job security and upward mobility. The practical part of me really thinks it has the best argument here.
But then there's the other 90% of me, the part that I stifle because most of the time it just isn't conducive with being a responsible adult. That part of me thinks that if I'm going to spend all that time and money going to school for something to make into a career, shouldn't it be something that I love? Something that I'm not just good at but that really interests me? Shouldn't it be for something that I won't look back on in 20 years and wonder where the last 20 years of my life went?
Practical Me: "Um, because EVERYTHING costs money and it's safer to go with something you KNOW will rake it in. You have 2 kids, you want to buy a home, you'll eventually have to send said kids to college. You need security."
The Rest of Me: "But I teach my children to follow their dreams. How can I teach them that and then do the opposite? What if I can make money AND do something I love to do? People can do that, you know!"
Practical Me: "They are the exception, you are the rule. Besides, you don't even know what you want to do!"
The Rest of Me: "Shut up."
This conversation goes on for hours and hours until my head hurts and I fall face first into a pan of brownies.
So, again I'm standing at the fork in the road. I know I need to choose one. I know I can't sit here anymore and frankly the towns people are kind of tired of having to go around me to carry on their lives. I just keep thinking this is the argument that people have with themselves when they're 18, not 28! Why do I always feel like there was some school of life I missed back in high school that covered how to do this? Why do I always feel like I'm 1 step behind everyone else?
All I know is I do not want to be still sitting here in the dirt when I'm 38. I know there will be millions of little forks in my life, millions of tiny daily decisions I will have to make. I've already made plenty of them and triumphed and suffered because of them. But this is a big one. And, honestly, I'm scared of making the wrong decision. I can't let fear keep me from making strides forward anymore... but which way? Which way?......... Which..... way......?
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